Growing up on the bayous¹ of New Orleans, my old man used to pull me away from alligator-wrestling² and dispense words of wisdom.

"Son," my dad would say, "you're nothing in this world until someone draws a cartoon of you and puts it on the Internet³."

Now Ol'Fontaine⁴ is over the hill at the ripe old age at 25⁵. And yet, I've never had a cartoon drawn of me⁶, much less one on the Web. So I was floored⁷ when I saw a 'toon of yours truly on the Net this morning.

"Scott Fontaine, Action News Ace!"⁸ the cartoon reads. There's a drawing of me (more on that in a bit) with notepad my left hand, a pen in my right hand⁹ and a camera around my neck.

Behind me are cops holding their bicycles in an attack stance¹⁰ and the protesters from this weekend.

Now here's my gripe.¹¹ I'm a big dude.¹² But the cartoon is C-cups-on-a-man big. And that part ain't cool.¹³ I'd post the photo, but I think that would violate copyright.¹⁴ So here's a link.

But I'm willing to make a deal. R.R. Anderson, Michaelangeloesque¹⁵ author of this almost-perfect work of art, let's change this cartoon a bit. Slim Ol'Fontaine down closer to my real size,¹⁶ and I'll buy the print off of you. I have no idea how much these things cost,¹⁷ but we can make a deal.

Mr. Richard Ryan Anderson, the ball is in your court. I await your response.<sup>18



1 - By "bayou," I mean "suburb."

2 - By "alligator wrestling," I mean "watching the Saints lose or playing Nintendo."

3 - OK, so no one really had the Internet when I was growing up. But we did have Prodigy

4 - Ol'Fontaine is me now, not my old man. Sorry if there's confusion.

5 - But I have the mentality of an 80-year-old man. Especially with those skateboarding punks in my neighborhood.

6 - Outside of finger-painting in kindergarten.

7 - Actually, I was too tired to process it.

8 - Another rarity: Someone remembers how to properly spell my last name.

9 - I am right-handed. Nice detail.

10 - Got a better term for it? Lay it on me.

11 - Yes, griping about this has become my life.

12 - Powerfully built, I like to say.

13 - Or maybe I'm just deluding myself.

14 - OK, I know that would violate copyright.

15 - OK, OK, you win. Leonardoesque, at least. And I would also compare you to Rafael and Donatello, but that would prove that my history of art comes from watching "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

16 - Hell, I'm slimming myself down a bit, slowly but surely.

17 - Well, maybe I kind of do. OK, not really.

18 - When did I become Bill O'Reilly? Or at least Stephen Colbert?</sup>